Some days I feel like I can do anything. Kicking cancer's ass is of course at the top of that list, but in general I feel strong, empowered, and able to conquer any mountain that moves to block my progress.
And yes, mountains move.
Those days are great. I feel relaxed and ready to take on the world. Nothing can stop me.
Today is not one of those days.
Today I want to crawl into bed, get in the fetal position, and just cry. (And yes, real men cry.)
I got my PICC line today. It sucks. My arm hurts a little and the whole goddamn thing is just uncomfortable. I can't get it wet, so showers should be interesting. When I had a PICC line before I was so sick that I didn't give a shit about taking a shower, so they were fairly rare while I had the PICC line in. I think I may have resorted to a few quick baths. I hate baths. I'll probably have to resort to taking quick baths again. Ugh.
Here's what it looks like with the "sock" on it, you know, to help keep the end from flopping around:
And here's what it really looks like:
See those two ends on the right there? Yeah, I got a double one. Yay me.
Around 20% of all the people admitted to hospitals around the country end up getting a PICC line. That's pretty remarkable. However, I'm disappointed I'm in that 20%.
But I have to get my chemo treatments.
I have a few more lessons, blood draws, and dry runs before the actual treatments start. I'll have thirty-three radiation treatments and three chemo treatments over the next seven weeks. The chemo treatments are to help with the radiation treatments. The radiation treatments are what's going to kill the cancer.
I'm sure no one ever feels ready to begin this shit. I'm no different. I do want to start because I'm tired of waiting, I'm anxious, and the sooner I start then the sooner it'll be over.
But no, I'm not ready to begin this shit.
But it's been almost seven weeks since I had surgery to remove the tumor and lymph nodes. It will not be good if we wait much longer.
Luckily, the wait is almost over.